Where Does She Go …
In the early morning hours,
I weep for my Sweetheart,
Her mind is going to a far away place,
Where I cannot follow,
In silence she sits,
Without me …
Even though I am beside her …
I weep for my Sweetheart,
And cannot realize the horror,
Of losing the sense,
Of one’s own self …
Where does she go when she sits,
In silence ..
There is no laughter,
Or soft spoken word,
Where she treads with small steps,
Here or there,
Or stands in silence,
Just beyond the doorway.
Oh my love,
You do not hear my words,
Or see my tears,
But I am beside you,
Despite the hour day or night.
Rest this evening and do not stir,
I am here … only a breath away.
Poem “Where Does She Go” By John E. Moss Copyright 2015
I get tired. Sometimes so tired I just want to go out in the middle of the backyard, sit down and don’t get up for a week. It is selfish of me I know, but being a full-time 24/7 caregiver is a daunting task. I could have never in my wildest dreams imagined the where, when, who and the stringent demands of such a life changing experience.
It would help my caregiving duties if I were an organized personage, but I am not. Far from it. I have always had packrat tendencies which clash with the rules and socially accepted demands of “efficiency”or “efficiency in motion”. But I am learning.
The morning routine for my Sweetheart and myself depends on the day of the week. Either day, dialysis or free, is much like herding cats. Pills, breakfast, bathroom trips and getting dressed several times consumes most of the morning. Next comes hair brushing, re-dressing, bathroom trips, along with additional standing, staring and distance thinking in the kitchen or doorway.
I feel shut-out and helpless. Visions of my father taking care of my bedridden mother come to mind. He had a long and difficult time with her before she died. Through his dedication and lengthy example, he taught me responsibility, dedication and how to love even when exceptionally heartbreaking and frustrating.
A week or so ago she stopped talking to me. My Sweetheart will at times answer questions but remains far from being a conversationalist. It is very frustrating. A new medication for dementia has helped some, but doesn’t cope well on dialysis days. The pull process of the treatment overwhelms the small odd colored pill and renders it useless.
Being a full time caregiver was something I never expected to happen to me at any stage of my life. But … since it has so unexpectedly arrived … each day is a fresh challenge, at times rewarding, at times exceptionally frustrating, and physically and mentally draining. I can only hope I have the inner and spiritual strength to do right by my Sweetheart and somehow during her life trial she will know of my love and dedication to her.
So, the first stage is running its course … and the second stage will come to the forefront in its own time.
Next Week … Something Interesting or something current …
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