I see the summer ending without me. My participation has been negotiable and to a point exceptionally disappointing. The ambitious photographic projects and series that held so much promise as Spring approached never really got of the ground. At the beginning of the shooting season, I never considered or thought it possible that a catastrophic disease crippling my wife would demand all my energy, time and attention.
Days one upon another can pass without a meaningful photograph being taken.
As each day progresses, my wife of nearly twenty-nine years becomes more dependent on me. Her twenty-four hour seven day a week medical condition drains every ounce of energy I can muster … and then demands more. My time melts away and there is no possibility of recovery or even simple conservation management. Though I continued to travel with and always have a camera with me, days often slip by without a single photograph being taken.
At times, I do occasionally take a tablet photograph of a lunch plate, my Sweetheart or family at the diner on days off from dialysis. But … tablet photographs are not considered photographs … they are more like disposable snapshot images. I know, that is a purist thought coming from an old film and digital photographer, but it could be said … such a sad commentary it is that I have already been reduced to such a low state in my photographic career. John E. Moss … amateur food porn tablet photographer.
I do at times, within a stolen moment, plan and work out in my mind energetic photograph shoots, overtly ambitious series and possible collections … even maybe another book. But … these fantasy projects remain on the shelf with little chance of completion. An exercise in wishful thinking of good intentions and hope. Fortunately, I can still dream even though the Summer is vanishing before my eyes.
My physical limitations remain stationary though hers have accelerated. That will not always be the case.
Oh, despite continuous discouragements, I still think and see in frames even though I seriously tinker with the thought of no longer taking photographs. I have a large inventory on hand for article and blog post illustrations which I can still do during stolen moments late at night. This is more so an option when I am tired to the bone and cannot move except with great difficulty.
My physical limitations remain stationary though hers have accelerated. That will not always be the case. I am quickly running out of gas and have already started experiencing chest pains again. They return almost daily and can be quite disconcerting.
At the end of this week … I have taken one photograph. It was a relaxed impromptu portrait of uncle Miles at the diner. The photograph has not boosted my spirits or changed my circumstances. And the arguments to continue doing and shooting are beginning to fall on my own deaf ears. I have just about rationalized the thought that the desire to keep shooting is beginning to leave me. Never thought that would happen!
Am I bitter to see the end of another career? No not at all. I’ve had a good run and if the decision, to be made at my leisure, is final so be it. I’ve published six books of photographic images and one poetry book. And, there is a lot of images that I am proud of thank goodness. Not bad for an Old Guy that can’t hardly get around.
Right now I am worn to a frazzle and sleep deprived. And … there is a new sugar regulating diet hiding in the closet just waiting for me to have another moment of decreased mental capacity moment.
Next Week … Something Interesting or something current …
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